you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
