Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
