You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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