I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
