By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
