i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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