Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
