we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
