My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize