Jerry, you need to find god
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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