Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
