I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
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