I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she told me i tasted like america
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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