Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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