i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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