I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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