The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
