I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
