trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
