I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
