everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
