im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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