I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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