I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
