my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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