That's intense
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
