Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
