I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
