I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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