so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
