Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
