She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
