Ambien. No doubt about it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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