Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I need to stop coming to work sober
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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