i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
