I faked an abortion last night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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