6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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