Can i not drive my cunt home
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
