I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
