Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i believe in u and ur pee
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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