I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
