I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
