i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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