u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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