apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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