He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
