I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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