Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
