did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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