I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
