im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's never too late to be topless.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
