She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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